Home > Thoughts > How I Lost My Confidence…

How I Lost My Confidence…


To start the things – this is not a heart breaker!

I have a loving family, got a decent job and I have my finances being taken care of to ensure a comfortable future. I am a happy man!

So, how come someone like me got into the bad waters?

Well, sometimes being simply comfortable is just not comfortable enough.

I have, like the most of us, the life of a common person. We aren’t revolutionaries. We get up, work hard, love the people around us and then take a break. There is least of complication and time seems to just float around. Leaving the odd ups and downs in life there is nothing extraordinarily extreme happening that could shake you apart.

Is it related to someone I wanted to become or something I wanted to do? Maybe, but not absolutely.

I did want to perfect the art of pencil sketching. I hoped that someday I would compose music as I felt that it was one of the purest things one could do. I wanted to have a bodybuilder’s physique with my biceps bulging more than my ego. I wanted to have a black belt in martial arts and attain the complex amalgamation of body, mind and skill (a.k.a Bruce Lee). I wanted to eat whatever I wish and still be lean and fit.

These may sound childish or even funny. But dreams never grow up and become old. They are always as bona fide as anything could be and are subconsciously the reflection of your inner self. One could never seize to dream as the dreams would never seize to be a part of you.

Dreams are expectations. When I wished to do or achieve something as “me”, I dared to expect something out of myself. I fulfilled certain ones and I am living the life I am because of those. But even as the life becomes stable, the expectations don’t simply die.  I was still expecting to achieve a few things. Not that those would have changed anything. These expectations would have refreshed, re-invented, re-energized or rehashed me as an individual.

The dilemma with me aroused where I started contradicting my expectations.

When the mind knows that it is in a contented state of existence, it builds a cocoon around itself. I did the same. I got into a state of insulation and started rejecting anything that was more of emotional than materialistic. Owing to my comfortable existence, I started snubbing my own inner self which had a pretty strong opinion about what more I was capable of achieving. My subconscious was giving me hints every now and then that there was a little bit more for me to explore. On the other hand, I was posing as already contained enough to consider it.

Slowly, the denial becomes a part of our personality. It starts affecting the natural you. The things which seemed just right on the correct spot, suddenly feel too alienating. You are in a slight state of shock that how come you are not in accordance with your daily life. There is nothing around you that is converted to a certain diminished entity just like that. In spite of this, you start having a feeling that maybe you were not doing anything which you actually wanted to do. But you can’t stop either.

Here, I started losing my confidence.  It all started with just a denial.

 

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  1. May 9, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    Wonderful introspection! But the moment you wrote about it ,the journey of your learning started…

    • May 10, 2012 at 12:14 am

      I am trying not to refer to myself as the “third person” anymore. Writing is peace. Thanks a ton !

      • May 10, 2012 at 12:15 am

        oops! sorry 🙂

      • May 10, 2012 at 1:50 am

        NO NO NO !!!
        That was an introspection ! You got it write !
        What I meant was “the me I see is the me I wish to be”
        😉

  2. May 25, 2012 at 11:50 pm

    Ah! Denial is what ALWAYS breaks hearts.
    Life, relationships, career. You name it!!
    But its always love, that is the ssaving grace. Unconditional love!! 🙂

  3. August 11, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Loved your thoughts & loved your style of using images with poems… Gr8 idea..But loved this post more than others…

    Awesome post!! Resonates with me completely..

    Is it really denial? Could it be a mistaken identity? Sometimes the potential, we think we have, and the various uses that we can really put it towards may not really be what we want!!

    I dunno If I’m making sense here, but what if living a mediocre life, yet simple happy, loving life is what I want? What if I know its insulting my potential, but I’d rather live a mediocre life than realize my potential and then not enjoy the journey?

    What if, knowing what I really want in life comes as a shocker to the amount of potential I have? May be thats what I really want!! Now, am I in denial if I continue tracking my potential??

    That’s what I think.. Do let me know if its making you any sense..
    Thanks for the post once again..

    Cheers
    Shraddha

    • August 11, 2012 at 5:37 pm

      Hi Shraddha

      Firstly, thank you so much for dropping by with so much of life on the post !

      Well, life sometimes would just need to be taken “not so seriously”. The complication in life starts with denial of certain things – emotions, exercise, coffee, faded jeans etc etc. I mean – why should we deny anything to us. Reason being that there are so many adorable ones in our life who carry forward the bliss and motivation from us. So, indirectly, we are denying them the true us !

      I’m no expert, but I do know that a lot of people would be overwhelmed with the nudges and grudges of life. I know, the human tendency is crafted like that. But always remember – no matter how you treat life – life would always love you back.

      Not everything in life should be directed to make life easier or less complicated. Some things should just look beyond life. There is the true worth !! (I’m still chasing though !!)

      Happy Blogging !

      • August 11, 2012 at 5:55 pm

        Hmm.. I agree ..Loved it when you write ‘Not everything in life should be directed to make life easier or less complicated. Some things should just look beyond life. There is the true worth !!

        I’l have to figure this out for myself..I guess I’l read it as spontaneity -taking life as it comes

        Thanks again.. Its got me thinking
        Shraddha

      • August 11, 2012 at 6:38 pm

        Just remember one thing, if you would please,

        YOU ARE THE QUEEN !!!!

        …and no body has the power to deny that !!!

        🙂 Take care !

  4. Joan Miranda
    September 21, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Wow this is great.
    there was a writing of mine that was published on our national newspaper that’s sort of answer this…
    http://opinion.inquirer.net/31069/hug-yourself

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